Mankind's Fascination with Self-Expression

Well I've been absent from my blog again because I have been quite busy with my job. I work at a daycare. There was a lady there who was an awful teacher and I wanted her gone. Everyone at work did too. On Tuesday she brought in a letter saying she quit and that was her last day. I was so excited. I been wanting her job for months. Later that day we were asked who wanted that job. Of course I said yes! But so did two others.

Now begins the fun part. We had to create lesson plans and a morning of activities to do in the classroom. It was fun until I was being observed in the classroom while doing the stuff with the kids. So I was at home creating my lesson plans and making some things for the activities. I was completely ready to be observed.

Well one girl got cold feet. So it was just me and Candice. Both women who wanted the job I'm friends with and I know are good teachers. So that's what made this even harder. It's not like I could bad talk these girls and say how much better I was for the job than they were. I just really, really wanted this lead teacher job.

Both of us did really well and for a whole day my boss and assistant director were discussing who should they choose. They said it was a really hard pick. Eventually yesterday they told us who got the job. Well it wasn't me. They told me I did everything right, just where I am in college and I could leave I was not picked. Gosh so this is when getting a higher education can kick you in the butt in what you want.

I know Candice was excited for getting the job. I just wanted that job for a long time now. I love that age and that room. I had a whole notebook of ideas of things I wanted to do to that room to improve it. They told me if I continue to take online classes and show that classes won't be in my way then I would be next pick for a lead teacher job. I didn't want any lead teacher job though. I wanted that room. That's what sucks. What made it harder was that I was working in the room I wanted all day long, to be told it would not be mine, to have to go back in there and think I would not be able to do this.... or this... or this. Oh yeah I cried after that. The longer it has been the worse I have felt. Now I have a box a things for that room that I have been saving once they lady left and if I became the teacher. What do I do with it now?

I know this is only the beginning. They finally let me leave early not because I didn't get the job, but I was starting to get overtime hours for the week. Before I left they put Candice in her new room while I was in there, so I guess she can begin to get acquainted. It's going to be really rough for me to walk by that room or go in there awhile and see what she's doing.

Before this week started I was prepared to just finish getting my associates in early childhood development and stay with that job and try to begin to make an income with my art. I was just going to do night and online classes. Now I don't know what I should do. Since getting my education hurt me getting this job should I just say fuck it and get it done and over with before it stabs me in the back again? Should I just continue getting both degrees for the next three years of my life with no guarantee that I will get my own classroom teaching art? By then I won't want a lead teacher job at a daycare because with my education experience I would be making too little of money. Or should I try to prove to my bosses that I can stay around, taking nothing but online classes just so I can get a lead teacher job in a room I don't want or to know I got it cuz I was second pick?

I'm just so clueless right now. I like to know what goals I am trying to reach and do the best to get there. That's why I plan ahead so much. I had my mind all made up and now I'm stuck. I know I don't want to leave my job for another daycare, even if I was to make more. I'm just so attached to the kids there. The employees are my friends too. The kids are the ones who make me stay and make me laugh everyday though. I'm glad I have the weekend to try and get over this, but I have a feeling it's going to chew at me for a long time.

As one of my co-workers told me yesterday. Of  course I was upset and crying and it was ok. I put my heart and soul into this, and wanted it badly. I guess they are broken and I waiting on them to heal.