Mankind's Fascination with Self-Expression

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,

a quickening, that is translated through you into

action, and because there is only one of you in all

time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any

other medium and will be lost.

- Martha Graham (1894-1991)

I think this is a great timing for me to be covering this chapter, because it is a good time for me to reread it. After not getting the job for a lead teacher, I have been unsure on where to focus my energy. I felt like I had no drive for anything because for awhile it was wishing that I could have that job. Now that's gone I need a goal to reach for, something to focus my energy to. I thought I could just do that with school, but I found out it's going to take me a few more years to graduate. I need something more short-term to focus my energy on.

This upset is also affecting my artwork. When creating my mind roams through my thoughts. So when I make a mistake or when something disappointing happens, that's all I can think about and it drains my energy. Are energy comes and goes. Sometimes the creative flow just comes and sometimes it's plugged. We have all felt that. I started on new collages tonight, hoping I can get my creative energy flow back.

In the book Kick-Ass Creativity, it states that we all are no stranger to creative energy. It can flow, it can slow, it can come in large amounts of caffeine or come in a relationship. Mine is obviously at a slow. But what is energy? It is a powerful, transformative force. But it can also be defined as

1. as a fuel supply (as a source of vitality and vigor), 2. as an aid in converting ideas to form ( that which helps us adapt inspiration into a piece of art), and 3. as an entity (as in "may the force be with you").

We live with all different sources of energy. We learn to live with them and manage them. And that energy connects us all. We are drawn to people with similar energy as yourself. Whether its the energy someone left at a table in a resturant that you ask to sit at (we are even attracted to residual energy left behind).  Or I believe I feed off other's energy. Whenever I'm at work when all the children are there I get so much accomplish or when my nephews are at my house. I feed off the energy surrounding these children and able to do as much as them (or at least I think).

This chapter explaining energy is amazing. I can never do it justice in the little bit I have summazied. So far it is my favorite chapter of the book. Reading it makes me feel re-energized in myself and my creative abilities. Once I'm done with this book, it will be given to my sister. She is writing a book and she goes through all the creative energies, the ups and downs. I know she can benefit from this and I can and any other creative soul.

Well I've been absent from my blog again because I have been quite busy with my job. I work at a daycare. There was a lady there who was an awful teacher and I wanted her gone. Everyone at work did too. On Tuesday she brought in a letter saying she quit and that was her last day. I was so excited. I been wanting her job for months. Later that day we were asked who wanted that job. Of course I said yes! But so did two others.

Now begins the fun part. We had to create lesson plans and a morning of activities to do in the classroom. It was fun until I was being observed in the classroom while doing the stuff with the kids. So I was at home creating my lesson plans and making some things for the activities. I was completely ready to be observed.

Well one girl got cold feet. So it was just me and Candice. Both women who wanted the job I'm friends with and I know are good teachers. So that's what made this even harder. It's not like I could bad talk these girls and say how much better I was for the job than they were. I just really, really wanted this lead teacher job.

Both of us did really well and for a whole day my boss and assistant director were discussing who should they choose. They said it was a really hard pick. Eventually yesterday they told us who got the job. Well it wasn't me. They told me I did everything right, just where I am in college and I could leave I was not picked. Gosh so this is when getting a higher education can kick you in the butt in what you want.

I know Candice was excited for getting the job. I just wanted that job for a long time now. I love that age and that room. I had a whole notebook of ideas of things I wanted to do to that room to improve it. They told me if I continue to take online classes and show that classes won't be in my way then I would be next pick for a lead teacher job. I didn't want any lead teacher job though. I wanted that room. That's what sucks. What made it harder was that I was working in the room I wanted all day long, to be told it would not be mine, to have to go back in there and think I would not be able to do this.... or this... or this. Oh yeah I cried after that. The longer it has been the worse I have felt. Now I have a box a things for that room that I have been saving once they lady left and if I became the teacher. What do I do with it now?

I know this is only the beginning. They finally let me leave early not because I didn't get the job, but I was starting to get overtime hours for the week. Before I left they put Candice in her new room while I was in there, so I guess she can begin to get acquainted. It's going to be really rough for me to walk by that room or go in there awhile and see what she's doing.

Before this week started I was prepared to just finish getting my associates in early childhood development and stay with that job and try to begin to make an income with my art. I was just going to do night and online classes. Now I don't know what I should do. Since getting my education hurt me getting this job should I just say fuck it and get it done and over with before it stabs me in the back again? Should I just continue getting both degrees for the next three years of my life with no guarantee that I will get my own classroom teaching art? By then I won't want a lead teacher job at a daycare because with my education experience I would be making too little of money. Or should I try to prove to my bosses that I can stay around, taking nothing but online classes just so I can get a lead teacher job in a room I don't want or to know I got it cuz I was second pick?

I'm just so clueless right now. I like to know what goals I am trying to reach and do the best to get there. That's why I plan ahead so much. I had my mind all made up and now I'm stuck. I know I don't want to leave my job for another daycare, even if I was to make more. I'm just so attached to the kids there. The employees are my friends too. The kids are the ones who make me stay and make me laugh everyday though. I'm glad I have the weekend to try and get over this, but I have a feeling it's going to chew at me for a long time.

As one of my co-workers told me yesterday. Of  course I was upset and crying and it was ok. I put my heart and soul into this, and wanted it badly. I guess they are broken and I waiting on them to heal.

Definition: Kick-Ass (Kik'as') adjective

1. having strong effect on someone or something; forceful; powerful

2. exceptionally good;spectacular, impressive, etc.

-Webster's New World College Dictionary

The back of the book says:

KICK IT UP!

Looking for a way to fire up your creative process and devote more time to those sparks of inspiration? Now you can kick your creativity into high gear with Kick-Ass Creativity.

Professional songwriter, performer, and workshop leader Mart Beth Maziarz shows you how to tap into your creative energy by aligning your focus, feelings, and desires. Her energy makeover will help you discover where you're stuck and how to move forward to make your big mark on the world.

Kick-Ass Creativity offers a framework full of fun and practical tips for kick-starting the creative process:

-how to overcome resistance, procrastination, and negative thinking

-how to direct your energy to stay focused on your work

-how to jump-start your creativity to tapping into your feelings and emotions

- how to develop a support group

Whereever you currently reside on the kick-ass creative spectrum- novice or master, dabbler or maven - Kick-Ass Creativity will help you find that spark of brilliance that leads to your next thrilling project.

I really hope to write a few bits about each chapter once a week on Monday. So look forward for learning a few bits to jump start your creativity.

Doesn't this look imitating? A few weeks ago I set out on the mission to organize my mother's room to organize her life and make it more suitable for scrub business. She was just starting out the business. For the past two weeks I haven't been motivated to work on it. As you can see that's my mother's bed. So she has been sleeping on the recliner for the past few weeks. I feel awful. I want to finish this room because my mother can get her room back. But furthermore it means that our crafting and sewing space is finally organized. Where to start? But where to start????? That pile is full of future goodwill items but also personal records and old pictures in photos. So I must look through each piece of paper to decide where to put it.

It's now 9pm and this job has been sitting over me all day. I have yet to start on it. I told my mom it will be my project today. Somehow I keep finding other things to do like, my laundry, catch up on reading blogs, taking care of finances, painting craft wooden figures from the dollar tree, and even organize our laundry room. I can't seem to organize my mother's room though.

My mom tells me I should be on the show Clean Sweep because I can just go in a tell her what she should have and what to get rid of. I can but it's hard when it's someone else's stuff. When it is my own, it is  a breeze. I have to work on it when my mother isn't home. My mom freaks out if I throw away a dingle thing, even a magazine from 1996 and a to-do list that could be 5 years old, but it could have stuff on it she needs. Nope it's trash and she can't stand it. My mom worked all day today and I was off all day and still have gotten nothing done...... :/

Yes right now I am just procrastinating even more right now by writing this blog. How do you start on something this imitating if your heart isn't in it at the moment. It was when I started, now it's been too long since I've worked on it. I guess I just have to dip my toe in a little at a time. Like when the water in the pool is too cold. I'm not one of those just jump in and get it over with it type of people. I have to have the right mentality on  the project at hand.