Mankind's Fascination with Self-Expression

In life, our mind changes what it wants. Sometimes just realizing what you can do or finding out new information, opens all kind of doors. What if there are multiple doors open all around you, you can stretch with all your might to try to fit in all of them. It's just impossible. Our bodies can only go through one door at a time.

I might complain all the time how I have no energy, no focus, or no time. Or maybe I'm so excited about what is happening at that one point in my life. The truth is that I have multiple doors I want to go through. I'm confused, stressed, and tired when I try to go through them all. When I am able to get a foot inside though, I'm excited about the the new opportunities. I just need to stop. Take one door at a time.

I'm the worst at taking my own advice and sometimes worse at taking others. You know those kids who retaliate and yell back when you try to tell them something to do. Well that's me. Every time I hear something I don't like, that has to do with what I should do, that little kid in me just wants to throw a fit and make the other person feel as bad as I do. Now I don't do that. I'm grown enough to hold it in, but you should know that I'm still thinking about it.

This past week (since my birthday), doors have open, shut, open, shut, open, and slammed in my face. Everytime I would take a step toward a door to make a descion on the one thing I need to focus about, something happens and it closes. It's been a bad week...... Then on top of it, today was one of the worst.

Each bad thing this week has influenced to one door then another. I have had many ideas what I should do about work, college, and my career. Art will always be part of it, it's the one thing I can always count on. What about all the other factors? My two different majors, my job at the daycare for three years, my sorority, my family (and thought of future family), my health, and other goals. Each semester it feels like I have to decide how much I will be involved in each one. It sucks and it tears me apart each time.

This past week and new door materialized, I learned about a new school with my current major and I thought it would be good. Well others didn't think the same. It was slammed in my face and I had to lock it shut to not be tempted again. So then two old doors showed themself again to me. One door hold my school, my art education major, and my sorority. My job at the daycare will be non-existant or just for holidays. Door number two is taking time off from school, working all the time, working on my health/weight, and other goals. Then  hopefully taking care of them by next fall and returning to school, but by then I won't have the sorority to go back to. How will college be without them? I've just been so confused. Everytime I think I have it all figured out and know which way I want to go, something else happens and I can't help to think "Whoa, do I really want that after what just happened?" Today has been filled with these thoughts.

I'm always filled of thoughts of trying to finish school as soon as possible because I can not wait for the day to have my own family. I love children and I can't wait until I have some of my own. I want those days to come. But I know I have to wait until I can support myself before any little ones. Others want their college days of little responsibilities and all the fun to go on forever. I want it over as soon as possible. But today both my sister and brother said I really haven't experienced real college life since, I'm always communting to different towns for work and school and don't get to be involved on campus. Maybe they are right, and once I do I won't mind all the college life too much, or maybe not.

All these thoughts have made me so exhausted. Going to bed each night by 9pm and still wanting to stay in my warm bed at 6am. I have knots in my stomach and constant worry over my head. Artists shouldn't have all these stresses, just be free-spirited and let life flow and time non-existant. I wish I was that hippie and grovey enough for that, but alas parents worried about numbers and business do not make hippie children. My father already has no idea where me and my sister get our creativity, I couldn't even imagine how lost we would be that way. Anyway that's what I want in my life right now, no worries, no stresses, no responsibilites, all doors to disappear and live as I want with no preconcived ideas on how life should be.................................................... Ahhhhhh... that will never happen. Plus it's too boring. That's how I get into my messes, I like to do multiple things at once, so I'm not bored. Well it's my curse. I should get use to this Hall of Doors because I know no matter when in my life, it will always been there. I just wish there was one door bigger than the rest that could hold all that I wanted to do, so stepping through wouldn't be a problem.

Today I can rejoice in the fact that I won't be going anywhere. I'll be staying home working on some much needed projects. After sleeping for 14 hours (long time I know!) I know I'll have plenty of energy to get this done. I have collages, gifts, a mirror to finish fixing, and holiday things to work on. This will be the most time I will have in awhile.

I also have some school work to complete and I have lots to complete early next week for school, before my birthday. I can't have school stand in my way of having a good time.

There is so much I want to do. After work I feel drained though. I have art projects to do, cleaning and organizing, school work, books to read, and more. All I want to do though is to go to bed. So if I take a nap I waste my night by sleeping and if I don't then I'm too tired to do anything.

I don't like energy drinks or 5 hour energy shots. I like my sleep but not feel like I waste time when I do. How do other artists get things done when they work other jobs? I want to get more done, I see all you others doing it and I want to know how you do it in your life.

I have read blogs about how much they love October because it brings fall and Halloween. Well I'm not any different. It really is my favorite month of the year. I love sweaters, cool weather, leaves changing, many family birthdays (including mine!), Halloween (though I didn't use to get into it), and my new favorite thing ghosts.

So I am sitting in my school's library cafe. Wearing one of my new lovely sweaters while it is cool outside. It's actually cold, 55 degrees. It's only because of the rain and no sun. But I love it! I can wear all my favorite clothes, bundle up, and be cozy. I normally hate rain, I don't care today, because it's FALL!!!!


A few months ago I got sucked into the show Ghost Adventures. Well new episodes are out and they went to two places in Kentucky. One everyone goes to and the other I have never heard of before. I am so anti-thriller/gore movies, haunted house, etc. because all that stuff scares me. I didn't even want to go a ghost tour when I lived in Savannah, GA. I think that's when I came to terms that all this ghost stuff is pretty interesting. So I so want to go to Waverly Hills and Bobby Mackeys. Bobby Mackeys is a bar/ country night club, so it's a public venue. It's right next to Newport, KY. I really want to make a stop there before or after going to the Shadowbox. That place is so active during both episodes on the show. I really want to go. I'll probably be scared and nerves kicking me in the stomach the whole time. But this is the month to do all this.