You all probably thought that something happened to me on the way home since I was so absent. My trip home was kinda eventful towards the end: couldn't find bathroom in deep fog (looked like a horror movie set up), being pulled over, rain and curvy roads, etc. It's a long story to tell it all and why it was eventful.

Back from the trip I was so body tired. I've done nothing but go to class, work, and rest at home. Projects have been assigned, I'm working at Michaels all weekend, and I start working at Halloween Express on Monday. Busy... Busy... Busy... I will learn to balance this all and still have 31 Days of Halloween for you!

I have been absent again. It wasn't like I wanted to be this time. I just didn't have my computer around. I have asthma and most of my life was undiagnosed and not treated. I have known about it for the past several years, but apparently it has not been in control. So in the past two weeks I have been to the doctors because it was difficult for my to breath. Last time I went in, the doctor listened for a minute to my lungs and was like "You are going to the hospital." Great...... They directly admitted me. I had tests and they started treatments and by that night I felt fine. So luckily I was only there for 24 hours by the time they let me go. But it was enough to worry my family and friends. I'm 22 years old and get admitted because I can't breath. Yeah it scared them. I looked at it that I'm getting help and shouldn't be here long. So I am home breathing fine thanks to my meds.... in the morning I almost feel like a druggie because I am taking so much. If it's making me healthy then oh well! But going to the hospital sucked.... I HATE NEEDLES! So having an iv in my arm, just in case they needed to give me medicine.I have a lovely picture of it, but I doubt you all want to see it. It's not cute with a little of my blood in the tubing showing.

All my breathing was from poorly treated asthma. My doctors never did explain much to me about it. So in the day I was in the hospital I learned so much! I met with a lung and heart specialist that helped explain simple everyday things that I can and can't be around. My family was determined it was because of paint and other craft supplies why I have issues with it. Thank you Dr. Taha for saying that is not the case. I just have to make sure there is a fan or it's well ventilated. He said hobbies make us live longer so I should never give it up. If it was the other way around I would probably be on here crying, but I am not. So life can be lived as I was doing it, with very slight changes.

My life was thrown off the hinges for a few days, but I think my life will be better off in the future. I'll know more about my asthma and won't have these scares of asthma attacks in the future. You always have to look at the bright side in these situations.

So every time I say oh I'll probably get on here.... yep it doesn't happen. Yes I started school, I was on a computer often. But I was on my dad's computer. I had to live with him for awhile. Long story short.... my house flooded and I had to live with my dad while it was fixed and he has no wifi. So booo! But now I am back at my house and for other reasons I am now focused on work and school. Well I still work at Michael's and I love it! we opened in mid-July and I am now the Fine Arts Instructor. I have classes every week. I also hope to be doing kid craft classes soon and been helping out with kid birthday parties. I spent all night on here catching up on reading my blogs. With all the wondrous things where I work I am constantly thinking of things to do and make. If I ever remember to post on here and take pictures I will share. I'll try, no more promises.

So Monday I start classes at Sullivan University for an Early Childhood Development degree. You all know I love the children, and I want to finish this degree! I really do! I just didn't like my other school. Sullivan is small, I mean really small. But it reminds me of Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD), my beloved art school. I loved the small class sizes and ten week quarters. The staff are very personable and I love the instructors. You just feel close to everyone, kinda like a family. I wonder if that will change once they give me work to do. LOL. This school is a 20-30 min drive from home and I can get the education I want. So I am happy.

About two weeks ago I began blogging again. When I did, my life had changed and I am now on the path to get it back in order. You can check it out here http://sfaesyartwork.blogspot.com/2011/01/good-bye-january-good-riddance.html.

What did I accomplish in two weeks, then? Well I somewhat know what I am doing for work. Well I am a substitute teacher. My old work, YMCA daycare asked if I would like to sub on days when people miss, which is good because I would miss all those kids too much. My real job once my federal background check comes back is substituting for the local school system. I am really excited about this because I can get a lot better classroom experience this way. I am hoping this will start in the coming weeks. I like this but at the same time it's not good. Everyday I don't know if I will be working or not, my schedule will be unpredictable. But at the same time if I need to help out family or to have fun during the week all I can say is I can't work that day. My family still wants me to look for other job opportunities that will be full-time, have benefits, and better pay. I understand it would make some things easier but others harder, like if I went back to school.

I did apply to many places and the places I called back were early childhood learning centers. Well that's where all my experience is and also I had a few offers I turned down. So it made me feel good because these places saw that I know about children well and know how to work with them. I also felt very confident going into those interviews because I knew exactly what the job offered. No nerves like I did years ago at my last job interviews. Also I learned things about job applications, resumes, cover letters, and references. I made mistakes in the process and my family didn't like it, but it was a learning experience. I haven't done that much applying to jobs... probably almost ever. I've held some long-term positions for someone my age.

Well until I can really work and then get those paychecks... the bank account is tight. My dad is an accountant and he is helping with my bills for now and my mom is also helping here and there. I am really thankful for their help. I have a good credit score and just because I'm in a rut I don't want it to drop. I will need it if I have to get a car in the near future.

Now my health??? Well I haven't done a thing with it. Now I know I am still employed with the YMCA I can go for free, but I really don't like working out there. It's far from home and I don't like working out in front of guys. Also I was going to join weight watchers with my sister. Well she has kinda fallen from that wagon and I don't have the money still for the weekly meetings. Plus, I do better with dieting if I go and buy my own foods and cook them. Lack of money means I have to leave that to my mom and it doesn't work that well for me. So real soon I hope to really get a kick start on it.

Staying on top of reading blogs makes me really want to get back into the creative side. I keep getting ideas her and there, but I forget them. I was always such a terrible sketcher to keep track of ideas too. I always just wanted to jump  right in. So as I get ideas I want to do those and forget the rest.... yep I need to work on sketching those ideas done. And also completing projects. Maybe I will do that soon.

Wow should I even bother to explain where I have been?!? I mean it seems every week something else crazy or problem comes along that needs fixing..... so three months worth might take awhile. Yeah........ I don't want to type all that. So here it is in a nutshell.....

Working full-time while taking online classes = FAIL!!! Me and online classes = COMPLETE FAIL!!! So together...... it was pretty bad. I'm gonna have to retake some classes for sure... :( Ok then blood work shows that I have poor health. I mean I'm a big girl I know my health was crap, but when a doctor tells you and puts you on medication for it. It becomes more real and stressful. Holiday were.... okay. Parties cancelled due to craziness and illness. So didn't get to see all the people I normally do during this time of year. But I was going back to college on campus to concentrate on school and my sorority. But a day worth of anxiety attacks and anxiety that wouldn't go away after days left me a huge decision that weighed in on me. I dropped out of school. But only for a few semesters, I hope...... I left my job so I'm jobless.

That's my current state. Lol! I learned to just laugh now, cuz I can't change anything that happened. I can try to shape the future the best I can. So with self-expression I will find my way back to a path that can take me forward. It will take awhile to get there, but with each step I can get closer to someone I want to be.... and figure out a few things on the way.

January with being so rough I didn't want to be in transition. January is hard enough month to get through on its own. Yesterday being the day I caught up on the last three months of blogs I missed reading (yeah I could only glance... just so much to catch up on) I saw a blog article called "6 Steps to Beat the January Greys". It didn't come out until recently but I needed someone in the beginning to tell me that.

So how do I start this new journey of mine? I'm job-less, health is in the shitter, single, bank account almost non-existent, and a good family and friends to lean on. Though a few weeks ago I so full anxiety I didn't want to do shit! Just hang out with friends and family to have some fun to forget all the bad. But damn that family of mine for making me get out of the house to go apply for jobs.... I knew I needed it I so did not want to do that then. Last week I finally got a few applications in for state office positions, substitute teaching, and at the local library. And I'm really happy about it. An absence of moola in the bank can change a persons thoughts pretty quick... especially when your eyeing getting a new car.... Oh yeah! Car is also having issues. Yay more problems!!!! I have a few more positions I know I will apply for in the next day or so, so i hope I get some phone calls soon! Keep your fingers crossed!

So that covers the job issue... somewhat. :/ Best that I can do. What about my health? I need a life change in my diet and fitness. I'm the heaviest I have ever been and it really sucks! I always want to be healthy and active but getting to that bit is hard and staying there. Well first I needed something to help me with my diet change. I want to cook more. I've looked up healthy recipes online and added them to my cookbook of foods I love that aren't bad for you. Mexican and Chinese foods are delicious and I really needed a healthy alternative to my favorites so I don't crave those fatty choices. I also need a way to track how much I am eating and what amount is healthy for me. My sister signed up for weight watchers not long ago and stayed on it for a bit until some stressful things happened to her. Also if we did this together it will be nicer and easier to stay on track. I just don't agree with the new ways they calculate points, but on well! Let's see if this works. I'm also the type of person that has to go out to be active. If I'm at home I rather sit on my couch and read, on the computer, or watch TV. I need a gym! I like going but I hate working out in front of dudes! Maybe if I was skinny and just staying fit... okay maybe I would like to show off. But right now I'm gonna kick my own ass, and I don't want no cute guy looking at me thinking "gosh can that girl breath?" All girl gyms cost so much. But I think a gym my friend told me about has a basement for women only, it's also 24/7. I hope so! No matter what though both of these cost money... money that I don't have! So..... job must come first and better be fast.

So I've been single for two years somewhat.... I've did some dates but no long-term relationship. I don't mind being single, especially when I am wanting to change my life for the better. I want a guy to find me once my life is better. But for fun I did the free profiles on match.com and eharmony.com. My brother found his wife online and I have been wanting to give it chance. We are online people. We socialize online at our blogs and make friends.... so why not meet a guy this way? So far I like it. I saw some guys that have some interests that are similar and some that are pretty cute. Of course unless you pay its hard to really get to the point of going on a date. Once I get my health better and have a steady job I am really considering doing this for real. That's far down the path but something to work for. And who knows maybe prince charming will be walking in Wal-mart one night and we bump carts and I won't need no website to help me find him. But until I'll just wait and see.

I really want to thank my friends and family for being there for me. My family are tough and brutally honest. I hate when they are and it leads to me yelling and people hanging up phones on each other.... :O I know they mean well so that why I still talk to them and love them. Lol! Then my friends who I haven't spend this much time with each other as I have had in a long time. We can be separated for awhile and hang out like we saw each other yesterday. When it has been awhile.... conversations last forever. You have taken me out to have fun, random trips, a few drinks, and of course some wii time. Thanks you keep the fun in me when I'm having to be so serious lately.

Art production is in a all time low. Just the other night I painted a few things that I meant to do before Christmas... and it was really simple. I painted some cute ornaments for co-workers and  I think that's it. I barely remembered to take some pictures of them. I will post those soon since it is the only art I did these past three months. Yuck! I have been reading again. And I plan to continue that. I hope to read about a book a week maybe. A few books I read in the past I want to reread them and maybe I'll write some book reviews?!?! I don't know. My sister sure does rub off on me.... she is the reader and writer.... not me.

Speaking of my sister, Heather... she has a blog giveaway for the month of February to boycott Valentine's Day. Valentine's day is a corporate monster that needs to be tamed! It's a day to love yourself and others. So with my life being in crack of one huge ass. I need some self-loving. Lol not in a dirty way... you perverted minds! But just to appreciate myself and get this blog and my life back on track. Here is a link so you can participate and win prizes too! http://blameitonthefullmoon.blogspot.com/2011/01/month-of-self-love-not-dirty-kind-and.html?spref=fb

Here it is to February.... to being the beginning of my new year, cuz January sucked! I may make Chinese New Year my new years eve with resolutions to make and stay by for the year 2011. So good bye January!!! You better not suck this way next year!

My last post left in all confusion. That new confusion left and new ones came. My life has almost been turned upside down from a year ago and a lot of the changes happened in the last two months. So until I know how these recent changes are going to plant themselves, blogging is not my top priority. Here's to another long break.

In life, our mind changes what it wants. Sometimes just realizing what you can do or finding out new information, opens all kind of doors. What if there are multiple doors open all around you, you can stretch with all your might to try to fit in all of them. It's just impossible. Our bodies can only go through one door at a time.

I might complain all the time how I have no energy, no focus, or no time. Or maybe I'm so excited about what is happening at that one point in my life. The truth is that I have multiple doors I want to go through. I'm confused, stressed, and tired when I try to go through them all. When I am able to get a foot inside though, I'm excited about the the new opportunities. I just need to stop. Take one door at a time.

I'm the worst at taking my own advice and sometimes worse at taking others. You know those kids who retaliate and yell back when you try to tell them something to do. Well that's me. Every time I hear something I don't like, that has to do with what I should do, that little kid in me just wants to throw a fit and make the other person feel as bad as I do. Now I don't do that. I'm grown enough to hold it in, but you should know that I'm still thinking about it.

This past week (since my birthday), doors have open, shut, open, shut, open, and slammed in my face. Everytime I would take a step toward a door to make a descion on the one thing I need to focus about, something happens and it closes. It's been a bad week...... Then on top of it, today was one of the worst.

Each bad thing this week has influenced to one door then another. I have had many ideas what I should do about work, college, and my career. Art will always be part of it, it's the one thing I can always count on. What about all the other factors? My two different majors, my job at the daycare for three years, my sorority, my family (and thought of future family), my health, and other goals. Each semester it feels like I have to decide how much I will be involved in each one. It sucks and it tears me apart each time.

This past week and new door materialized, I learned about a new school with my current major and I thought it would be good. Well others didn't think the same. It was slammed in my face and I had to lock it shut to not be tempted again. So then two old doors showed themself again to me. One door hold my school, my art education major, and my sorority. My job at the daycare will be non-existant or just for holidays. Door number two is taking time off from school, working all the time, working on my health/weight, and other goals. Then  hopefully taking care of them by next fall and returning to school, but by then I won't have the sorority to go back to. How will college be without them? I've just been so confused. Everytime I think I have it all figured out and know which way I want to go, something else happens and I can't help to think "Whoa, do I really want that after what just happened?" Today has been filled with these thoughts.

I'm always filled of thoughts of trying to finish school as soon as possible because I can not wait for the day to have my own family. I love children and I can't wait until I have some of my own. I want those days to come. But I know I have to wait until I can support myself before any little ones. Others want their college days of little responsibilities and all the fun to go on forever. I want it over as soon as possible. But today both my sister and brother said I really haven't experienced real college life since, I'm always communting to different towns for work and school and don't get to be involved on campus. Maybe they are right, and once I do I won't mind all the college life too much, or maybe not.

All these thoughts have made me so exhausted. Going to bed each night by 9pm and still wanting to stay in my warm bed at 6am. I have knots in my stomach and constant worry over my head. Artists shouldn't have all these stresses, just be free-spirited and let life flow and time non-existant. I wish I was that hippie and grovey enough for that, but alas parents worried about numbers and business do not make hippie children. My father already has no idea where me and my sister get our creativity, I couldn't even imagine how lost we would be that way. Anyway that's what I want in my life right now, no worries, no stresses, no responsibilites, all doors to disappear and live as I want with no preconcived ideas on how life should be.................................................... Ahhhhhh... that will never happen. Plus it's too boring. That's how I get into my messes, I like to do multiple things at once, so I'm not bored. Well it's my curse. I should get use to this Hall of Doors because I know no matter when in my life, it will always been there. I just wish there was one door bigger than the rest that could hold all that I wanted to do, so stepping through wouldn't be a problem.

Today I can rejoice in the fact that I won't be going anywhere. I'll be staying home working on some much needed projects. After sleeping for 14 hours (long time I know!) I know I'll have plenty of energy to get this done. I have collages, gifts, a mirror to finish fixing, and holiday things to work on. This will be the most time I will have in awhile.

I also have some school work to complete and I have lots to complete early next week for school, before my birthday. I can't have school stand in my way of having a good time.

There is so much I want to do. After work I feel drained though. I have art projects to do, cleaning and organizing, school work, books to read, and more. All I want to do though is to go to bed. So if I take a nap I waste my night by sleeping and if I don't then I'm too tired to do anything.

I don't like energy drinks or 5 hour energy shots. I like my sleep but not feel like I waste time when I do. How do other artists get things done when they work other jobs? I want to get more done, I see all you others doing it and I want to know how you do it in your life.

Ok for at least a month (but it feels like more), I haven't been reading any of my blogs and only wrote a little. I finally at least glanced at every blog I missed. So I feel really out of touch with all of those I read about. Which if you read about me and don't know me in person, you probably feel the same way since I haven't wrote in so long.

Welllll..... Art Walk is over. It was a really nice experience. I got to meet many artists in the area and never knew how many there were. I got to set up the exhibit for the Franklin County Fair Winners in a newly refurbished building in downtown. Well the exhibit could have gone the best it could since people who had to drop off work got confused and the inability to contact many of them. Best I could hope for. In that same building 6 floors up were some artist studios. I was in love! This is the tallest building during that time, so those floor tower over the rest of downtown and have GREAT views...... My friend, Heather who helped me that day is also an artist. I was practically begging her for us to have a studio together. They are about $300 a month, I think. Even if we spilt it, it would be hard to manage. So it's a dream.... The artists up there were really nice and said more artists need to move in, since it's also open for office space. Rather make it an artists community. I don't blame them.

Also at the Art Walk I got to see International know glass-blown work. My dad almost had a heart attack when I was standing a foot away and saw that the price tag was $25000. Yep I don't want to break that and buy it. Also plenty of guerrilla artists, performing in the streets. Surprisingly, my dad was able to figure out what many of them were doing, though he had no idea what they are. He doesn't understand much about art though. I just wish to be able to have my own exhibit space another time.


My mural at work........... I feel bad. I don't even know when is the last time I worked on it. I keep on saying "oh Ill do it next week" "I couldn't find my headphones", etc. Just excuses. I want it done but I so ready to move on. It was such a big project to take on by myself. My concentration for it is gone. I need something to shock me back into the inspiration I need to finish it and it can be done.


A deadline is also approaching for this Artists Against Poverty Silent Auction. It's next week..... I'm a little freaking out since I knew about it for two months and have yet to do anything for it. I just need to make my submission and hope some of my current pieces make it into the show. Not only does it go toward a good cause, it gets my name out there, and I can make my first profit from my work.


Yes that aside, I have never really tried to sell my work before. I put two things on etsy just to see what happens. Yep nothing. I keep wanting to get serious and make that step into selling my work. We have a local band sale in December and a Expo sale in June that craftsmen have booths into sale their work. I told my mom I wanted to be in the band sale this December. Then I changed my mind. I don't have the time to be prepared for something like that. Then I read a magazine, saw a few images, and had a few ideas of things I can make that I can sale along with my artwork at the band sale. Now I am excited. I made one things to see if my mom likes it and she loves it. For now, it's a secret. For the past two days that's what I want to work on.


Well there is the update. I just left out most of work, school, and sorority life all together. Now I want to get back to work on some planning for some future projects.

The Artist

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.
ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.
ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.
ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.
ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.
ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.
ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.
The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.
The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxilliary: Extraverted Sensing
Tertiary: Introverted Intuition
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

Possible Career Paths for the ISFP:

• Artist
• Musician / Composer
• Designer
• Child Care / Early Childhood Development
• Social Worker / Counselor
• Teacher
• Psychologist
• Veterinarian
• Forest Ranger
• Pediatrician

This may be why I can't make up my mind between Artist, Teacher, and Child Care

My birthday is almost in a month, October 14th. I'll be 22. So it's not one of those let's go out and get crazy birthdays in my opinion. I was gonna wait a bit before I put this out, but my sister mentioned about needing to have a wish list the other day. So whatever. It won't hurt being put up earlier. I'm making my wish list on here so it will be easier to share with my family. Plus I have read other bloggers doing the same, and I thought it was interesting to see.
http://www.walmart.com/ip/The-Game-of-Things/11039574?sourceid=1500000000000003260420&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=11039574

Canvas
You can never have too much canvas, art supplies make me excited. I don't know what I can make it into. I'm a nerd yes....




A Dark Brown Body Pillow
Wii Mario Party 8

This week starts my third week of my fall semester at EKU, I'm a lead teacher of the Infant II room at my job working 7am-3:30pm, and sorority life of Pi Beta Phi always has something going on. Do I have too much on my plate?

I LOVE my job. I don't want to leave at 3:30pm. I use to closing and want to stay later. Twice my boss has asked me, "Weren't you suppose to leave already?" I bet most people don't hear that. I love the kids in my class. Gosh just being a lead teacher doing lesson plans, decorating the classroom, and being responsible for these children doesn't seem to add extra stress, but it's stress-free. I just enjoy it so much. I would love to just work this the rest of my life and forget about college because I enjoy it so much. Just be a teacher and work on my art. Yeah but I barely get paid over minimum wage. I can't support myself on that. It sucks....

Also at work I have been painting that very large mural. Well with being a lead teacher now, I have no time during the day to do it. Someone from another YMCA branch came over to look at how it was. He asked if I was still working on it. I told them I was. I plan on working on after I clock out at 3:30 to 6pm when everyone leaves. I just have to get on a better schedule to do it.

Classes this semester suck. They are basic gen ed classes that really don't interest me. I just have to take them to graduate. I'm taking all four classes online so I have no classes to attend. But I have a hard time remembering to get online and check Blackboard. The third week just started today and I have already missed several assignments. What a great start huh? Slacker right here! Not really I just don't think to get online at all at the end of my day. I might get online 2-3 times a week. That doesn't work for several things. So my Labor Day weekend has been me completing my school work. Oh and my Labor Day off is getting caught up on my school work and ahead. Fun huh? Yeah the only time I left the house this weekend was to go to JoAnn Fabric's Labor Day sale. Very worth it. I got great stuff for my classroom and for my artwork.

Now Pi Beta Phi. I love my sisters. We just got done with recruitment and we have some great new baby angels. I see online on Facebook where some of my sisters have been hanging out with these great new girls. I feel left out. I'm here in Frankfort and missing out on the fun. I wish my sorority, EKU, my job, and my family were in the same town or area. What makes it so hard on me is that Pi Phi and EKU are in Richmond and my family and job are in Frankfort. I love all of them and they pull at me, trying to tear me in two.  I'm going up to Richmond tonight for our meeting so I hope I get my school work done and can get up there early and maybe hang out with some of the girls before meeting. My lovely sisters, I love you and it is hard to be away. I miss out on too much. Pi Phi is still very important to me and close to my heart.

Now I told you how I was organizing an exhibit for Frankfort's Art Walk on Sept. 24th. It's now September 6th and in the past few weeks I have done nothing with any of it. I am getting so far behind. These woman that were helping me are probably thinking I'm slacking on it. I'm trying not too. I keep thinking I haven't had time to email and organize things. And these last few weeks I have been non-existent on the project. I know one woman has been doing some work but I don't think the other is. I really need to find some time to work on this again today.

Well here has been my life. Blogging hasn't been mentioned or making my artwork because all the rest of this very important and has deadlines. I haven't been able to do either in weeks. It really sucks. My sister brought over her old scrapbooking cabinet and I added it to our craft room. When I did I rearranged a few things and cleaned up my desk. I could see my incomplete collage, supplies to finish decorating my mirror, and fabric to make into pillows.

So I have always been pretty good managing my time. I just got tons of new responsiblities thrown on me at once. I'm gonna rethink how to manage my time better. If it's driving to the Starbucks during my lunch to work on homework (since they have WiFi), staying after work to paint the mural, spending my weekends finishing any incompleted homework, working on the Art Walk exhibit after work, and if at the end of the day and everything is completed, finding time for blogging and my art work.

Well I've been absent from my blog again because I have been quite busy with my job. I work at a daycare. There was a lady there who was an awful teacher and I wanted her gone. Everyone at work did too. On Tuesday she brought in a letter saying she quit and that was her last day. I was so excited. I been wanting her job for months. Later that day we were asked who wanted that job. Of course I said yes! But so did two others.

Now begins the fun part. We had to create lesson plans and a morning of activities to do in the classroom. It was fun until I was being observed in the classroom while doing the stuff with the kids. So I was at home creating my lesson plans and making some things for the activities. I was completely ready to be observed.

Well one girl got cold feet. So it was just me and Candice. Both women who wanted the job I'm friends with and I know are good teachers. So that's what made this even harder. It's not like I could bad talk these girls and say how much better I was for the job than they were. I just really, really wanted this lead teacher job.

Both of us did really well and for a whole day my boss and assistant director were discussing who should they choose. They said it was a really hard pick. Eventually yesterday they told us who got the job. Well it wasn't me. They told me I did everything right, just where I am in college and I could leave I was not picked. Gosh so this is when getting a higher education can kick you in the butt in what you want.

I know Candice was excited for getting the job. I just wanted that job for a long time now. I love that age and that room. I had a whole notebook of ideas of things I wanted to do to that room to improve it. They told me if I continue to take online classes and show that classes won't be in my way then I would be next pick for a lead teacher job. I didn't want any lead teacher job though. I wanted that room. That's what sucks. What made it harder was that I was working in the room I wanted all day long, to be told it would not be mine, to have to go back in there and think I would not be able to do this.... or this... or this. Oh yeah I cried after that. The longer it has been the worse I have felt. Now I have a box a things for that room that I have been saving once they lady left and if I became the teacher. What do I do with it now?

I know this is only the beginning. They finally let me leave early not because I didn't get the job, but I was starting to get overtime hours for the week. Before I left they put Candice in her new room while I was in there, so I guess she can begin to get acquainted. It's going to be really rough for me to walk by that room or go in there awhile and see what she's doing.

Before this week started I was prepared to just finish getting my associates in early childhood development and stay with that job and try to begin to make an income with my art. I was just going to do night and online classes. Now I don't know what I should do. Since getting my education hurt me getting this job should I just say fuck it and get it done and over with before it stabs me in the back again? Should I just continue getting both degrees for the next three years of my life with no guarantee that I will get my own classroom teaching art? By then I won't want a lead teacher job at a daycare because with my education experience I would be making too little of money. Or should I try to prove to my bosses that I can stay around, taking nothing but online classes just so I can get a lead teacher job in a room I don't want or to know I got it cuz I was second pick?

I'm just so clueless right now. I like to know what goals I am trying to reach and do the best to get there. That's why I plan ahead so much. I had my mind all made up and now I'm stuck. I know I don't want to leave my job for another daycare, even if I was to make more. I'm just so attached to the kids there. The employees are my friends too. The kids are the ones who make me stay and make me laugh everyday though. I'm glad I have the weekend to try and get over this, but I have a feeling it's going to chew at me for a long time.

As one of my co-workers told me yesterday. Of  course I was upset and crying and it was ok. I put my heart and soul into this, and wanted it badly. I guess they are broken and I waiting on them to heal.