I might complain all the time how I have no energy, no focus, or no time. Or maybe I'm so excited about what is happening at that one point in my life. The truth is that I have multiple doors I want to go through. I'm confused, stressed, and tired when I try to go through them all. When I am able to get a foot inside though, I'm excited about the the new opportunities. I just need to stop. Take one door at a time.
I'm the worst at taking my own advice and sometimes worse at taking others. You know those kids who retaliate and yell back when you try to tell them something to do. Well that's me. Every time I hear something I don't like, that has to do with what I should do, that little kid in me just wants to throw a fit and make the other person feel as bad as I do. Now I don't do that. I'm grown enough to hold it in, but you should know that I'm still thinking about it.
This past week (since my birthday), doors have open, shut, open, shut, open, and slammed in my face. Everytime I would take a step toward a door to make a descion on the one thing I need to focus about, something happens and it closes. It's been a bad week...... Then on top of it, today was one of the worst.
Each bad thing this week has influenced to one door then another. I have had many ideas what I should do about work, college, and my career. Art will always be part of it, it's the one thing I can always count on. What about all the other factors? My two different majors, my job at the daycare for three years, my sorority, my family (and thought of future family), my health, and other goals. Each semester it feels like I have to decide how much I will be involved in each one. It sucks and it tears me apart each time.
This past week and new door materialized, I learned about a new school with my current major and I thought it would be good. Well others didn't think the same. It was slammed in my face and I had to lock it shut to not be tempted again. So then two old doors showed themself again to me. One door hold my school, my art education major, and my sorority. My job at the daycare will be non-existant or just for holidays. Door number two is taking time off from school, working all the time, working on my health/weight, and other goals. Then hopefully taking care of them by next fall and returning to school, but by then I won't have the sorority to go back to. How will college be without them? I've just been so confused. Everytime I think I have it all figured out and know which way I want to go, something else happens and I can't help to think "Whoa, do I really want that after what just happened?" Today has been filled with these thoughts.
I'm always filled of thoughts of trying to finish school as soon as possible because I can not wait for the day to have my own family. I love children and I can't wait until I have some of my own. I want those days to come. But I know I have to wait until I can support myself before any little ones. Others want their college days of little responsibilities and all the fun to go on forever. I want it over as soon as possible. But today both my sister and brother said I really haven't experienced real college life since, I'm always communting to different towns for work and school and don't get to be involved on campus. Maybe they are right, and once I do I won't mind all the college life too much, or maybe not.
All these thoughts have made me so exhausted. Going to bed each night by 9pm and still wanting to stay in my warm bed at 6am. I have knots in my stomach and constant worry over my head. Artists shouldn't have all these stresses, just be free-spirited and let life flow and time non-existant. I wish I was that hippie and grovey enough for that, but alas parents worried about numbers and business do not make hippie children. My father already has no idea where me and my sister get our creativity, I couldn't even imagine how lost we would be that way. Anyway that's what I want in my life right now, no worries, no stresses, no responsibilites, all doors to disappear and live as I want with no preconcived ideas on how life should be.................................................... Ahhhhhh... that will never happen. Plus it's too boring. That's how I get into my messes, I like to do multiple things at once, so I'm not bored. Well it's my curse. I should get use to this Hall of Doors because I know no matter when in my life, it will always been there. I just wish there was one door bigger than the rest that could hold all that I wanted to do, so stepping through wouldn't be a problem.
Oh Alice!!! May I borrow your "Drink Me" potion?